Hey, it's me again. Just in case you're wondering, I'm still salty as ever about my wiped out iTunes library. When I'm especially upset, all my negative feelings just compound. Salt is my default. Go ahead. Rip my heart out and take a bite. Its chambers must taste like encrusted tombs of pink Himalayan salt, crystallized by 21 years of regret, sorrow, hurt, and anger. As much as I believe that religion is a coping mechanism, music has always been mine. In all honesty, I could pull song lyrics from memory faster than I can bible verses.
Each song I listened to then reminds me of that distinct period in my life. Before the start of Math 16B lecture during the spring semester of my freshman year, I used to play Childish Gambino's "All of the Lights" cover to stifle the sound of my heart thumping a mile a minute when the boy I liked sidled into the seat next to me. Every time I did surprisingly well on a midterm, I'd blast "HYFR" and send a celebratory gif of Drake raised up on his bar mitzvah chairs to accompany the message to my cousin. When my grandpa passed away, I listened to "Shot for Me" on repeat to numb my grief. On the way to church for 10 pm mass, I felt like I could brazenly walk past People's Park and no one could touch me because Kendrick Lamar's "Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe" was playing so loudly through my headphones that it made my eardrums ring. I was invincible!
It wasn't until today that I realized that you could fluctuate between the five states of grief. I'm angry right now, fuming practically. It's easier to be mad than sad. I hope this is the last time I'm upset over this, but I really don't know when I'll ever get over it. In Veruca Salt fashion, I begged my dad to take my laptop to the best computer doctor in the Silicon Valley today. I'm trying to be realistic, but I refuse to believe it's over. I'm still holding onto hope that my files can somehow be recovered. If worse comes to worst, my songs better be up in cyberheaven waiting for me.
*Picture taken at Jollibee when my dad got me the sweet Filipino spaghetti to help balance out all the salt in my system.*